Inside the Mind of Mr Andrew Coats

Enter at your peril!

Clarkson

Henry had agreed to play ‘Clarkson’ on ‘Top Gear’ as a favour to his agent; it wasn’t supposed to be a long-term thing.

Henry worked hard on the ‘Persona’ of Clarkson, he modulated his voice to fit, he found the perfect wig and bought the famous ‘blue jeans’ in a charity shop in Pimlico. He thought it would be a tiny job, one episode to pay the bills then he would move on to bigger and better things.

As ‘Clarkson’ became more popular his wages increased and Henry found it harder to leave to pursue other acting jobs.

He wore the costume to parties, never breaking character. He opened supermarkets, churned up fields in his 4x4 and wrote a ridiculous column in the ‘Times’.

When Henry began to spend more time as ‘Clarkson’ than Henry. He knew it was time to hang up the curly wig and walk away.

The BBC told him that plenty of actors would be interested in ‘rebooting’ ‘Clarkson’, in fact Jeremy Irons was chomping at the bit to take over.

Henry couldn’t stand the thought of someone taking over his life’s work and making a hash of it. He signed up for another 6 seasons and never took the wig off again.

Harrods

Top floor

He sits in his armchair and reads the Times.

The buzzer sounds.

He takes the lift to the Lingerie Department.

The customer is furious; her bloomers have been mis-sold to her.

The manager fires him on the spot.

He cries a little.

His children will suffer.

The manager is unrepentant.

The customer is happy; incompetence vanquished.

He takes the lift to the top floor.

He sits in his armchair and reads the Times.

The buzzer sounds.

He travels down to the Pet Department

The customer is furious, his rabbit has been mis-sold as a guinea pig.

The manager fires him on the spot.

He cries a little.

He forgets to mention his children.

The manager raises an eyebrow.

The customer is happy; animal identification in the store, strengthened.

He takes the lift to the top floor.

The manager is there to greet him.

He fires him on the spot.

He cries a little.

His children will suffer.

The manager is unrepentant.

He collects his copy of the Times.

He takes the lift to the ground floor.

Useful motivations for actors struggling in a scene.

  • Try it with more feeling!
  • Imagine your talking to a small duck.
  • Shout it louder.
  • Try it in French.
  • Shout the last word in the SENTENCE!
  • You’re on the deck of a sinking ship trying to attract the attention of the first mate who is preoccupied with lighting his sea pipe.
  • Act like you’re annoyed at being asked to do it in the first place.
  • Say it faster.
  • Imagine your shouting instructions down a well to a Latvian child who has broken his leg.
  • Try it with a lisp.
  • Pretend to be the sister of the character who you are supposed to be playing.
  • Before the take, rub Tabasco on your eyes/balls.
  • Leave long pauses between….the…..words.
  • Storm off set and sit in a caravan for 20mins.
  • Be drunk.

Stasi

This was the fifth mission in a row they had insisted he wore the moustache. He tried to convince them that it made him ‘stick out’, he told them he was sure people were staring at him but it was no good. He dabbed the moustache on his face and went to work. First off, he broke in to the home of an elderly couple and subtly re-arranged their furniture. Then he infiltrated the kitchen of a lawyer and changed his brand of tea to a cheaper variety. In the locker room he stared at his top lip in a mirror. When he returned home he sobbed uncontrollably for an hour. Maybe tomorrow they will let him wear a beard.

Nicknames of the Rich and Famous
Jockstrap
The Chief
Home-baby
Suze
Herringboner
Havers
Sexpest
The Phantom
Bimbo
Ballsack
The Cunt
Yoppers
Dreamboat
Philbert
Knockers
Sweetcheeks
Inside the Mind of Mr Andrew Coats turned 1 today!
Steve knew that Bob hated visitors. So he made sure he told any strangers about his brother’s brontosaurus.

Steve knew that Bob hated visitors. So he made sure he told any strangers about his brother’s brontosaurus.

Jane Eyre Epilogue

A few weeks after they got together Mr Rochester started to behave like his old self again, losing his temper and moping around in a huff. Within a month he had spent half of Jane’s fortune on trousers. Within the year he had locked her in the attic and declared her mad. Fucking Rochester.

Cappleman and Lenon


During Paxman’s intro’ Cappleman sneaked a glance at Lenon. He risked a smile while answering a question on the second law of thermodynamics. At the after-show buffet, he went for it,

"That was pretty close at the end."

"Shut up Cappleman, you’re only here to answer the maths questions!"

He consoled himself by eating a miniature cheese scone.

Grades of The Crimson Brotherhood

  • The Neophyte
  • The Outer Circle
  • The Inner Circle
  • The Inner-Inner Circle
  • The Über Circle
  • The Square
  • The Secret Square
  • The Sexy Boys
  • The Spiritual Being
  • The Supreme Magus

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